Importance
by AmieeJane
Summary: After a dramatic event both Nikki and Harry begin to question their relationship... I should probably just say as I forgot to mention before that this has spoilers for s10-s12.
1. Am I?

Nikki pushed against the double glass doors of the lab, a massive smile etched across her face. All she had to do was drop off the samples she'd collected and then she'd finally be gone. She was rather looking forward to her date tonight, a friend had set her up with someone she'd always thought would be good for her; a lawyer with a quick wit and a charming smile who also happened to be incredibly good-looking. Nikki had already indexed the samples in the car so walked over to the fridge and popped them in before grabbing her handbag from the desk and heading towards the door.

"Nikki."

Nikki spun around, alerted by the serious tone of Leo's voice. He looked scared; the usual warmth had disappeared from his face and he was fiddling with the cuffs of his shirt.

"It's Harry," he said quietly "he's been taken into hospital."

***

"I'm afraid visiting hours are over Ma'am." the nurse said somewhat sheepishly.

"But he's a friend, I've just heard, I really need to see him!" Nikki replied, panic making her voice quiver and speed up so she could barely be understood.

"He's only just finished being assessed, we don't want anything to unsettle him. I can tell him you visited if you like. What did you say your name was?"

"I AM A SENIOR HOME OFFICE PATHOLOGIST," Nikki shouted, spitting each word out and fixing the nurse with her sternest of glares, "Now you can either let me in to see him right away or I'll request the company of the senior doctor in charge of his case." The nurse looked rather taken-aback and stepped aside, allowing Nikki to enter the room.

The moment Nikki saw Harry her anger melted, he looked so small and pathetic slumped in the bed, surrounded by machines. She was overcome with a tenderness that brought tears to her eyes.

"Harry?" she whispered

"Nikki! How'd you get in here? They pushed Leo out an hour ago." His voice was much smaller and quieter than Nikki was used to. He tried to push himself up in bed.

"Sshhh," she cooed, rushing to his side and taking his hand as he slumped down again, "Leo tried to stop me from coming but I couldn't just sit around the lab and wait. I was worried" she added. "How are you?"

"I've been better." Harry said with a slight smile.

"What happened? Leo said you collapsed."

"It's my heart, turns out I had a sudden blockage to a valve. Nothing some medication won't put right. Common with people with a heart murmur, possible complications in later life they always said."

"Well thank-God you're ok!" Nikki said, the worry and shock ringing sharply in her voice as if she were offended by how laid-back Harry was being about it all.

"It's fine Niks, really," Harry brushed his thumb against her hand. "Anyway, you shouldn't be here should you? I thought you had a hot date tonight?"

"I think you're more important!" Nikki replied incredulously.

"Am I?" Harry questioned, his voice suddenly more serious. Their eyes met and for a moment they held each other's gaze.

"Harry, I…" Nikki began, before the door banged open and a panting Leo stood before them.

"Nikki, I've been following you all the way through London. You shouldn't have run off like that," he said, pulling up a chair, "and the way you were driving I think you'll be getting a speeding ticket or two through the post in the next few days!"

Nikki smiled shyly and looked down at the bed and Harry laughed, filling the room with companionable warmth.


	2. Surprise!

"Why aren't you at the hospital?" Nikki shrieked as she arrived at her desk the next morning.

"Glad to see you too!" He replied sarcastically. "I discharged myself this morning, I couldn't forget your birthday could I?"

"Harry!"

"Happy Birthday!" he smiled, bending down beside his desk and retrieving some flowers and a card and passing them to her

"Oh Harry, they're lovely," Nikki gushed. "But you shouldn't have, you need to worry about yourself for a change!"

"But I couldn't let you get away with forgetting how old you are, could I? I can only use the slippers and walking stick jokes once a year!"

"Oi! Just because you're ill it doesn't mean you can get away with anything!" Nikki laughed kicking him. Harry responded by feigning pain and Nikki laughed even more.

"What're you doing to celebrate anyway?" He enquired.

"Well, I was planning to come and see you this evening."

"On your birthday?"

"Of course, I mean I did have other plans but after yesterday…"

"Well there's simply no chance you're going to sit in and drink Coco on your birthday night, can you rearrange?"

"Possibly…"

"Well it's sorted then."

"Ok, but you've got to come and keep me company."

"It'd be my pleasure. I'll meet you at yours at seven?"

"Fine, but get out of here now, you need to rest! You're lucky Leo isn't here to shout!"

"Okay, okay!" Harry replied, hands raised in mock surrender as he backed out of the lab grinning like a possessed Cheshire cat.

Nikki sat at her desk and smiled a secret smile as she looked at her to-do list; her day had suddenly become much brighter. It was so good to see Harry back to his old self. She had hated seeing him try to be strong yesterday; it had made him appear all the more vulnerable, upsetting her even more. Harry was notoriously bad at admitting he needed help, he'd try to deal with things himself, right up to the last moment. He had always been quite closed with her too, not locked- he'd sometimes share with her when the moment was right, but he'd rarely volunteer information when she asked. This is what troubled Nikki most of all, it made her wonder what was really going on underneath their guise of friendship, whether Harry really trusted her enough to open up fully, whether they could ever be more than friends. They had been on a few dates a couple of years ago but things had suddenly stopped in their tracks with no real explanation. Nikki quickly pushed these thoughts aside, reminding herself that she should be grateful because she'd had nearly lost him yesterday…and that she had a big mound of paperwork resting on the side of her desk that desperately needed her attention.

* * *

**_Finally got the latest chapter up! I should probably include Leo a little more, or at least try to! Just started full time work so not writing quite as much...it's really odd as now my evenings go so quickly and I feel really tired, yet I'm still up at midnight!? Anyway, let me know what you think....more dialogue or less or do you think the balance is ok? Hopefully we'll see some pensive Harry next chapter and find out what's really going on in his head!_**


	3. Wouldn't you like to know!

Nikki had just finished applying the final lashings of mascara when she heard the knock at her door. Quickly checking her hair and slipping on her heels she tottered out of her room and across the floor to the door, opening it with as much air of calm as she could muster.

"Hello you."

"Hello Birthday girl," Harry replied stepping in and pulling Nikki into a hug. "You're looking as lovely as ever."

"You don't look too bad yourself." Nikki replied with a playful smile as Harry confidently strode across her lounge and chucked himself on her sofa sending subtle wafts of his aftershave back in her direction.

"You nearly ready?" he enquired as Nikki shut the door behind her.

"Just let me get my bag" she replied, hurrying into her room. She suddenly felt quite _un_ready and very flustered. She didn't know if it was the two glasses of wine she had drunk earlier but Harry was looking particularly gorgeous tonight. It appeared he had finally rediscovered hair gel and he was wearing what she guessed was a new shirt, crisp black with a very close fit with one more button than usual left undone… Nikki took a deep breath and surveyed herself in the mirror, beginning to tweak her hair, then her make-up, then her outfit, never quite feeling satisfied with the results.

"How big is your bedroom? Does it really take this long to find one bag?" Harry called from outside.

"Erm, just give me five, nearly ready!" Nikki replied hastily.

"Ok, I guess I'll have to entertain myself then." he replied and she heard him get off the sofa and start to pace the room.

Nikki looked over herself once more. She shouldn't be worrying really, she saw Harry every day and tonight was no different was it? No. It wasn't. I couldn't be. Nikki was far too old and far too tired to be getting involved in that again. She glanced through her bedroom door, catching a look of Harry skimming through the newspaper and sighed; why did it have to be so difficult? Every now and then she'd see Harry or talk to him on the phone and suddenly a whole host of feelings would spring up that were becoming increasingly difficult to contend with. She'd decided so far to be casual about the whole thing, it was too much of a risk to invest any serious thought and emotion into the idea of them being together, she'd learnt that before when things had suddenly gone so wrong. She'd been crushed for weeks. After taking one last look at herself she decided that she'd really better get going so picked up her bag and left her room, bumping into Harry as he left her bathroom.

"God Nikki, There are more lotions and potions in there than in the lab!" "You know women only make all that effort for men's benefit!" She replied.

"Really. So which man are you making all that effort for then?" Harry jested.

"Wouldn't you like to know!"

"Will he be there tonight? I'll have to introduce myself!" Harry continued to joke as they walked out the door. Nikki smiled but couldn't help feeling just a little bit disappointed that Harry was so comfortable with the idea of her dating other men.


	4. Innocent Beauty

Harry watched Nikki from the bar as she happily chatted and sipped her cocktail. She looked pretty this evening; she had curled her hair and had chosen a sparkly dress that fitted her just perfectly. She didn't need to dress up though, she was beautiful anyway, she just didn't realise it and Harry quite liked that fact. She carried with her an innocent and fresh beauty that was so unfamiliar to the world these days. She masked it with heels and a collection of designer clothes but it was still there under the surface. He saw it in the wetness of her eyes when they had a family member visit their deceased in the mortuary, when she'd stay up all night because a case really mattered, when she'd sit at her desk and chew her pen absent-mindedly and tuck her hair behind her ear. She wasn't like the other girls that knew they were beautiful, there was no conceitedness with Nikki. That was why, in spite of himself, he couldn't help but love her, even when she annoyed him.

He had liked Nikki from the moment he'd met her, she was full of surprises and such fun to be around. He learnt not to be _quite_ so anal retentive, to smile a bit more, to relax. He'd been cautious of taking things any further but Leo seemed to agree so he'd decided to take things slowly, play it cool, to surprise her with a kiss…

Then his ex had turned up on the mortuary slab and everything had suddenly gone wrong. After that he had tried to get things back on track but he just didn't have the energy to deal with a relationship again, Penny's death had brought back a lot of bad memories and he didn't trust himself to get it right. He had wanted to look after Nikki still, care for her, but she had suddenly come into her own, she had grown and didn't seem to need him anymore. Yet when it went wrong he was always there for her to help pick up the pieces, good old dependable Harry. All he wanted in return was a bit of insight into her life but he never got that privilege. He didn't know why, friends were meant to share about who they were dating weren't they? All he got were flashes of men in the lab, the coy smile when she received text messages at work, the knowing looks.

He didn't like all these men she'd been seeing. It made him feel twisted inside. Some days he saw an independent woman expressing her freedom but on others he saw a lost girl trying to find her home. He hated seeing her whittle through nameless men but it was her choice, he couldn't stop that. He had decided that if he couldn't have her then it should be someone flipping decent who could. He _had_ been pleased when he'd eventually met Ryan (of his own doing of course, Nikki would never introduce them) as he'd seemed like a decent guy, at first anyway. Harry had resolved to be happy for Nikki, to be a supportive like a friend should. Of course this had been tinged with a lot of jealously, coupled with a dull aching and sick feeling he'd carried around for days when he realised he'd lost her, but he though he'd carried off the 'supportive friend' role quite well.

Suddenly he felt Nikki at his side, "Are you intending to stand here all night being boring?" she asked, her voice already a little infused with alcohol.

"You looked like you were having a good time, I didn't want to interrupt," he replied "where's Leo anyway, I thought he was coming?"

"He cancelled didn't he?" Nikki replied, "Nigel's arriving soon. Why don't you come over? The girls would love to meet you!"

"Now that sounds like music to my ears." And with that Harry took Nikki's hand and followed her over, sitting beside her friend Rebecca and raising his glass in a toast to Nikki's birthday.


	5. Have you actually been looking?

Harry was in a rather in depth discussion about economics with Nikki's friend Simon when he felt a little tug at his sleeve.

"You going to be a gent and walk me home?" Nikki asked, smiling sweetly as she put on her jacket.

"Apparently so." He said, turning to Simon. He put his drink down and said his goodbyes to his new friend before walking with Nikki towards the door. As they left the bar the cool air and silence hit them quite suddenly. Harry began to feel a little chilly so slipped his hands into his pockets and as he did so Nikki slipped her arm though his, as if it were the most natural thing in the word. Harry felt very content.

"Did you have a nice evening?" He asked.

"Yeah, I did," Nikki smiled "I'm glad you persuaded me to come out, it was lovely to see everyone."

"Well, you only turn forty once, you've got to make the most of it."

"Oi!" Nikki squealed, poking him playfully in the ribs, "You'll be there before I am!"

"This is true." Harry replied, smiling and lifting his head so he could see the large collection of starts adorning the sky that evening.

"Did you have a good time? You didn't seem to be drinking much." Nikki gently questioned.

"No drinking for me for the next three weeks, it's the heart medication. Apparently it's quite strong stuff."

Nikki slowed slightly and turned to look at Harry. In her enjoyment of the evening she'd almost forgotten that just over 24 hours earlier Harry had been rushed into hospital. Looking at him now she could see that he was still quite ill, he had dark shadows under his eyes and he seemed a bit unsteady on his feet. She suddenly felt very bad.

"I didn't realise you were on medication. Are you feeling okay? I feel terrible for asking you to come out now!"

Harry chuckled. "I'm fine, I'll be back to my normal self in no time. Anyway, as they say - what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

"Actually that's quite wrong, heart attacks don't always kill a person but it's scientifically proven that it actually weaken…"

"Quiet you!" Harry laughed, pushing into her slightly.

They were brought into a companionable silence. Nikki was somewhat sobered by the realisation that the outcome of Harry's hospital visit could have been a lot worse. She shuddered at the thought and gripped Harry's arm more tightly, leaning into him to drink in his smell and the feel of his shirt against her cheek.

"I'm glad you're okay." She whispered.

"Me too, I think." He replied, "Anyway, cheer up, it's still your birthday you know!" They walked on in silence for a while before Nikki piped up.

"Amanda was showing off her ring tonight, she got engaged last week."

"Brilliant news!" Harry said, a bit too enthusiastically, "Which one was she?"

Nikki laughed, "Blonde hair, green eyes, purple dress…"

"Ah yes, I think I remember her. Frizzy hair, spent about twenty minutes telling me about the mating habits of her cat."

"Harry!" Nikki giggled, "She's lovely really, honestly!"

"Well we know there's definitely one person who thinks she's lovely."

"I'm happy for her." Nikki replied. Her tone softened a little. "Do you want to get married, Harry?"

"Don't you think it's a bit soon for that? We're not even dating!" Harry replied, quick as a shot.

"Don't be silly!" Nikki grinned, "I didn't mean that, I just thought, well, having an experience like you had yesterday must make you re-evaluate things."

"Oh you've got me disappointed now, I was thinking we had a beautiful future ahead of us." Nikki smiled but shot Harry a serious look. He relented.

"I suppose so, one day. I just haven't met the right person yet." Harry became thoughtful, wondering if he in fact had already met the right person but had let her go too easily.

"Have you actually been looking?" Nikki questioned.

"Wouldn't you like to know." Harry replied, echoing the elusive phrase she had given him earlier.

"Well, what is it you like in a woman, would they have…"

"Look, I don't question you about your disastrous love life, do I?" Harry cut in.

"Are you saying yours is disastrous too then?" Nikki replied, choosing to ignore his insult. Harry opened his mouth to speak but then shut it again.

"What about Holly Farr?"

"Nikki." Harry replied, warningly.

"Well, you never denied you were attracted to her!"

"I wasn't attracted to her!" Harry replied, his voice rising slightly.

"That's not what you said when I asked you about it, you said she'd be 'throwing away her career'!" By this point they had reached the gates to Nikki's apartment. Harry turned to look at her.

"Is this _really _that important to you?"

"Yes." Nikki replied defiantly. Harry took a deep breath.

"I wasn't attracted to Holly Farr, nor any other medical students, I don't have any secret lovers and I definitely am not attracted to our newest lab technician," Nikki looked puzzled, "I haven't failed to notice how much you seem to dislike her already." He added. Nikki looked down at the ground rather sheepishly. "Let's just say my affections lie elsewhere." He added with seriousness. Nikki looked up suddenly, a smile on her lips.

"Who is it then? It's not that girl from Africa is it? The one whose boyfriend died? I could look her up for you if you like…" Nikki replied, all the while having no idea why she was offering to do this. Harry recoiled slightly, Nikki had touched a raw nerve. She obviously had no idea. "It's getting late Nikki," he said, looking at his watch, desperate to get away, he had a wrenching feeling in his chest and it definitely wasn't connected to his heart condition. "You've got work in the morning."

"You're right," Nikki sighed. "See you tomorrow."

"Or not," Harry replied, "I've got the next three days off, remember?"

"That's right, well make sure you actually relax then. I don't want to see you coming back into the lab until Friday, not even to finish off Leo's Sudoku!" She ended their conversation with a smile.

"Goodnight Nikki," Harry called, "and Happy birthday."

Nikki kicked her heels off by the front door and chucked her bag on her sofa. She felt very tired by the contents of their conversation. Getting information out of Harry seemed to be the hardest thing in the world sometimes. She was just about to head to her room when she noticed the flowers on her counter needed a top up of water. She headed over to the tap and gently filled the vase, placing it back on the counter beside her one and only birthday card. She picked it up and re-read its inside again:

_Nikki,_

_Have a wonderful birthday and don't work too hard! Hope you enjoy it._

_Love,_

_Harry_

'Love Harry'. He'd never actually put that in a card before. That was why she'd wanted to push him to say who he'd liked. Just on a chance. Perhaps he was just being sentimental in his old age. That was a much more likely explanation. On that thought Nikki began to walk to her room, far too exhausted to think of anything more.

* * *

**_On a bit of a roll tonight, couldn't stop writing! Sorry if there are any mistakes :). Leo returns next chapter..._**


	6. Overwhelming Questions

Nikki arrived at work the next day with her mind still ticking over from the events of the previous night but with the sun searing its way through the windows with the reminder that summer would soon arrive she was quickly cheered. Leo passed through the corridor by her office and popped his head in to say good morning and offer coffee. Nikki gratefully responded and made her way into his office for the day's case allocations.

"We're going to be hard pushed for the next couple of days with Harry away, we've got two bodies already and a third on the way," Leo informed her. "I'd like you and Nigel, if he's recovered from his hangover, to look at the man, case 335," He passed over a rather thin looking folder "While I get to work on the gracious old dear we had delivered late last night."

"Sounds good." Nikki replied, picking up the folder and making her way over to her desk.

"How is Harry anyway, he took you out last night Nigel said?" Leo followed her over.

"He didn't exactly _take me out_ Leo, he accompanied me to my birthday party, that's all. And he seems to be holding up ok, all things considered."

"Glad to hear it, he had me worried" Leo went to leave but then turned back slowly. "You didn't have any of your, er, boyfriends out last night did you?"

"What do you mean 'boyfriends'? I only go for one at a time Leo, but no, I didn't, I'm not seeing anyone at the moment. You know that."

"Good good." Leo made to leave again.

"Why's that such a good thing?" Nikki replied.

Leo inhaled slightly and spoke very cautiously, measuring each of his words.

"It just wouldn't have been good for Harry, that's all, if you'd…had some of your men there, Nikki. He's got a weak enough heart at the moment as it is."

Nikki felt an anger rising in her, one that wasn't necessarily directed at Leo but she couldn't quite place what it as directed at.

"There's nothing there, Leo! There might have been at one point but now, no, we're just friends." She ended her sentence in a rather harassed, flippant manner and threw herself down in her chair, arms folded, feeling the heat of tears building behind her eyes.

"It just hasn't been easy for Harry seeing you move on, that's all. You get a lot of attention, more than Sam ever did."

"Well I wasn't going to wait around forever Leo, it was high time I started to make some choices for myself for a change." She felt exasperated and confused; she didn't like how Leo had suddenly seemed to imply that Harry might be harbouring feelings for her still. She had tested that water in her mind recently but was far from ready from being able to confront it again.

Leo sighed and considered carefully where to take the conversation next. He didn't want to betray Harry but he had an inkling that deep down Nikki was desperate for some reassurance. Both Nikki and Harry had skirted around the issue for far too long, running to and from each other like cat and mouse, neither giving too much away. In honesty, he had grown tired of it all. He knew Harry had a lot to offer and was capable of great warmth, and that Nikki desperately needed some stability in her life. She had changed of course, since the feelings last unearthed themselves. She needed to learn to be vulnerable again, to back down occasionally and to be led. And Harry, well Harry just needed to settle down. He was at that age now when he would be thinking about a family. It would mature him too; God knows he needed that. Leo himself had been married with a child when he was Harry's age. He saw the way Harry looked at the families that came into the morgue; the longing and unfulfillment lingering in his eyes. Harry just needed to take a risk, to step out, possibly for the first time in his life. It would take a lot of work but Leo knew they were capable of it, with a little effort. He looked again at Nikki, she was fiddling with some folders on the desk.

"He's crazy about you Nikki, everyone can see." Her head snapped up, eyes wide.

"Well if he is he isn't any good at showing it!"

Leo looked at her tenderly and pulled out a chair, sat next to her and smiled.

"It's a 'man thing' Nikki, we're notoriously bad at sharing our feelings. With Harry I think it might a case of 'once bitten, twice shy'."

"Harry, shy?" Nikki scoffed. "I don't think so!"

"Confidence is an easy thing to conjure; sarcasm, professionalism, jokes..." He looked at her pointedly and stood up, "Be patient with him Nikki, please. He's had a couple of bad experiences, that's all. At the risk of sounding parental, I just don't want to see the both of you throw away something good."

Leo left the room and Nikki was left alone, in the office full of files, books and a number of overwhelming questions lingering in the air like smoke.

* * *

**_Thanks for all the lovely, encouraging comments guys! I'm going away tomorrow so wanted to get something up before I leave. Hopefully I'll be able to update whilst I'm away but I'm not 100% sure. One thing I am sure about though is that we'll be with Harry next chapter. Let me know if you're getting tired of it flicking from one person's POV to anothers, only further ideas down so far, nothing solid!_**


	7. Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Harry chucked down his copy of _New Scientist _and groaned. He had read the same sentence four times now, so it was obvious he wasn't taking it in. He couldn't focus today, he was kicking himself over the conversation he'd had with Nikki the night before. He'd said far too much; _'my affections lie elsewhere'_ could he have been anymore obvious? All morning he'd been thinking of strategies and ideas for how he could talk to Nikki like nothing had ever been said, how he could return their relationship safely to the 'friends' zone with no more question marks to hang over it. He felt like a royal idiot for giving so much away not least because the situation had managed to consume his thoughts for so many hours when there were other, far more important things to be thinking about. The adage was true, he really was stuck between a rock and a hard place with Nikki. He desperately wanted to be with her, to hold her, to love her, so much that he couldn't help thinking about her, that he'd find excuses to talk to her in the lab just to be near her. On the other hand he tried to keep his distance, to hold her at arms reach because he knew, deep down, that she deserved someone better but it was so difficult to show restrain. He'd shout at her some days, insist he was right, take out the stresses of the job on her but she was so patient, so calm, she never once rose to his anger and responded. He hated it. She was so good, always. It just served to remind him how he could never be enough for her.

Africa had reminded him of that, too. Even though his heart was so devoted to Nikki his body had so easily submitted to another, even though he knew it would stray into dangerous emotional territory for the woman in question. While Nikki had been stuck in a cell he'd been gratifying himself with another meaningless encounter. He'd been so worried about Nikki when he'd heard but had forced himself to ignore his worry, especially after what he'd done, _don't care too much for her, _he'd told himself _she'll expect too much from you. _It had killed him to think that way.

Leo had always encouraged Harry to get his act together, appearing annoyed with him for messing her around._ Take her out again, just the two of you _he'd coaxed._ I'll ask her this weekend_ he'd replied, _I promise. _He hadn't of course, things had always got in the way and he didn't have the heart to admit his worst fears to Leo, although being the perceptive chap that he was, Harry suspected he'd already figured it out for himself.

Harry stood up. The thoughts running through his head were tormenting him beyond endurance. He walked over to his sink cabinet and, in spite of his doctor's instruction, poured himself a stiff drink.

* * *

**_Sorry it has taken me forever to update! My internet's been off a bit! Just a short chapter for now but I have another one that'll be on later this evening or tomorrow. It's a good chapter_**!


	8. You're not who you think you are

Nikki looked at the body on the table before her, marred by burns and with blood-soaked stumps at the knees were the lower legs would have been - an explosion victim. He would have died instantly, one second propelled by life, talk and laughter and the next second, nothing. All the life energy zapped in a fraction, never to return. He was now trapped in an eternal silence; all his stories, thoughts and secrets lay with him on the slab. Nikki looked at the man's face, his hair was dark like Harry's. It could so easily have been Harry lying here before her, oblivious to how Nikki felt about him, confused by her indifference and with one of his last living thoughts about her being about the date she was going on that evening. She would have never really known how he felt about her either but although it could have been that way, he'd been lucky, he was still living and breathing and had the rest of his future before him. A future full of choices to be made. Nikki pulled off her gloves and went to scrub up; There was something she needed to know.

***

Harry turned his music down and headed towards his door, his head was already feeling a little woozy from his one drink. His doctor had probably been right. He opened it and instantly smiled.

"Nikki!"

"Hey," She relied casually as she wandered in.

Harry noticed there was something unusually quiet about her that evening; she nearly always greeted him with a hug but tonight she stood on the spot in front of him, her hands awkwardly behind her back.

"How're you feeling today?" she asked with concern, tilting her head to one side so she could look at him.

"A little better, I've had lots of rest but I can't wait to get back to work, I never thought I'd hear myself say that but all the sitting around is driving me crazy!"

Nikki's eyes moved to Harry's sink where she noticed an empty scotch glass sitting. "Have you been drinking?"

"Just the one, I swear!"

"Harry!"

"It's alright, I'm ok. It's just gone to my head a little bit, the medication's made me into a bit of a lightweight - it means I know what it feels like to be you now."

Nikki's lips curled into a reluctant smile as Harry walked over to his sofa and sat down, she followed him and perched on the edge. There was silence.

"Nikki, you seem a little odd. Did you come over for any particular reason?"

"The other night, when you said your affections lay elsewhere. What did you mean?" shocked by how suddenly she had managed to blurt this out, Nikki took a deep breath to compensate. At least it was out in the open now.

Harry kicked himself inwardly. How was he going to respond now? He opted for his usual diversionary tactics:

"Am I being interrogated?"

Nikki didn't seem the register what he'd said but instead continued on.

"We had a guy in at work today, around your age, killed instantly in an explosion. It just made me think, that's all." she stared intently at her fingers. "When I heard you were in hospital I assumed the worst and, well, best friends usually tell each other who they're interested in don't they? It's not that unreasonable."

"I think you're being a little dramatic, Nikki." Harry had been dreading this conversation, it was leading them into uncharted ground and he needed to decide quickly how to handle it. He was rather touched and a little embarrassed that she'd referred to them as best friends, though. He didn't realise she thought that fondly of him.

"Why do you always avoid the question?"

_Shit._ Harry looked at his friend, at the pleading persistence in her eyes and weighed up his options. Nikki was right, in a way. He knew he'd been lucky, the doctors had told him as much, if he hadn't had had Leo with him things could have turned out a lot worse. He'd played it down to Nikki of course, he didn't want to ruin her birthday and if she'd been this worried when he'd told her it wasn't a big deal then goodness knows how she'd react if she knew the truth. And goodness knows who she'd react if she knew the _other_ truth. Oh God. He would have to tell her, it was his only chance.

"Maybe there are some things best friends can't tell each other because one of them is far closer to the equation than they realise." He spoke with caution, barely able to look at her.

"You're going to have to help me out and be a bit less cryptic here, Harry."

He leaned back in his chair and looked to the ceiling, his hands gesticulating with frustrated exasperation. "Do you really need me to spell it out to you Nikki?! Please don't make this any worse for me than it already is!"

She looked at him stunned, the delayed realisation finally hitting.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm telling you now aren't I?" He stood up and turned away.

The silence between them was the loudest Nikki had ever experienced, everything was unfamiliar now , she was at a loss as to how to respond. Harry paced the room, his head down and hands in his pockets.

"What does this mean for us?" She managed after a while.

Harry turned towards her again, his expression resolved but sad. "Nothing Nikki, we'll forget this conversation ever happened, I'll get over this little…thing I'm sure. I'm just being silly."

"Maybe I don't want you to get over it."

Harry looked aghast. "Nikki, no, God no. You don't know what I'm like, please don't say that, please don't start thinking that way."

Her eyebrows raised, "I've known you for nearly seven years now Harry, I'd say I have a pretty good idea what you're like."

Harry moved to sit beside her, he looked pained. "You have no idea and if you did you wouldn't be saying this Niks. You're so…" He sighed, "You're so…you just deserve so much more Nikki, believe me. Please."

"You may well think that but surely I should be the judge. I was just so confused, I guess I was just waiting for us to finally get to this stage so we could…"

"Please stop." Harry pleaded, the tears in his eyes evident.

"Harry!" Nikki cried, a mixture of concern and confusion in her voice, "What's all this about?" She moved closer to him as he clenched his fist and began hitting the palm of his other hand. He swallowed hard.

"You just see the jokey, personable side of me Nikki, but that's not me, I'm not…nice. I use women, I get involved, get too deep and end up hurting them," He spoke, not looking at her but straight ahead, like he was running a monologue through his head, more for his benefit than hers.

"Penny loved me, she looked to me for support, for comfort and then when she needed me most, when she was carrying my child, I turned my back on her. It destroyed her, I loved her so much but when it came to it I let her down. I was just thinking of myself. I didn't even check to see how she was, I just disappeared."

"Harry, that was years ago. It understandable that you were scared."

He couldn't meet her eyes but felt her small hand slip into his. _Don't pity me_ he thought, he couldn't bear for her sympathy.

"It's not just that, there are things you don't know. A few years back I did a PM on an old University friend, his wife turned up and as my way of showing comfort I slept with her and then never contacted her again." He spat his words out, Nikki could tell that venom in them were intended for himself, not her.

"There are two sides to every story, I'm sure she had a choice in the matter."

"Yes there are two sides to every story but that doesn't change who I am, it doesn't change what I've done!" Harry placed his head in his hands, angry that he couldn't get Nikki to see what he really was, she was taking it far too well. He just needed her to understand and then they could move away from the whole matter.

Nikki looked at him, her brow crinkled with compassion. She had never heard him open up this way before and she could see it was costing him a lot. She took his hand again and kept looking at him even as he looked away.

"You've got to stop punishing yourself, I don't care about who you were, it's who you are now that matters."

He looked at her and scoffed but she held his gaze tenderly.

"You're not who you think you are Harry."

They were interrupted by the sound of Nikki's phone ringing. She fished about in her bag and pulled it out. She showed Harry the display screen – it was Leo. She answered. Harry didn't really take in much of the conversation Nikki was having but saw her take a pen and write down some directions. Clearly a case had come in. She ended the call and stood up.

"I've got to go," she said, "It's a child."

Harry exhaled. Those were always the worst cases.

"I'll be back though, afterwards."

"You don't have to." Harry replied but Nikki just smiled a small smile and went to let herself out, casting one last glance back at him, sat alone on the sofa.


	9. On the Edge of Consciousness

It was one thirty in the morning when Nikki finally tapped on Harry's door, rousing him from an uneasy sleep. He pulled himself up from the sofa, where he had positioned himself so he could hear her arrive, and rubbed his now very stiff neck as he made his way to answer.

One look at her told him not to attempt to say anything, not yet. As he closed the door she silently walked over and sat at his counter, carelessly dropping her bag as she sniffed and rubbed her tear-stained face.

He moved and sat opposite her and looked into her eyes. The room was heavy with the weight of their last encounter and many others still; the moments of clarity, of sight, the times when they'd shared glimpses of their secrets and fears, the times when they had been there for each other when there was no-one else, when Nikki had shown him that it was ok to affected, to be vulnerable… So much had passed between them through the years that putting words to it was futile. Nikki had got to a place with Harry that no-one else had and his every sense was yelling at him to push her away, but no, not anymore. Harry stood and took Nikki's hand, pulling her onto her feet and into his arms, comforting her for her sadness over the child but also for so much more. He held her more tightly than he'd ever imagined he would, burying his face into her hair, their breathing the only sound. He would not let her go, he could not let her go, not this time.

After a while she pulled away from him slightly, resting her head against his chest. She looked so desperately lost that Harry hastily swallowed a lump forming in his own throat. Gently he coaxed her over to the sofa where they sat, holding each other before slowly laying down. Harry reached out and turned off the lamp beside them before moving his arm protectively around Nikki's waist. He closed his eyes and tried to get comfortable again as they gradually fell into a peaceful sleep.

***

Harry was jolted awake by a stabbing pain in his neck and looked at the clock; 3.42 am. There were still plenty of sleeping hours to go and the sofa really wasn't doing him much good. He carefully rotated his body upwards, unlacing himself from a peacefully sleeping Nikki. He smiled to himself; her blonde locks were gracefully falling directly over her eyes and an awake Nikki would have instantly tucked them away but a sleeping Nikki had no such concerns, instead she lay unaware as her breath escaped in quiet, rhythmic purrs from her mouth and her hand remained safely tucked away under her head, forming her own delicate pillow. After he had stared at her for far too long Harry quietly padded his way to his bedroom. He would have offered Nikki his bed but he was loathed to disturb her, she really needed rest right now. He would wake early in the morning, before she did. Then he could explain. Harry climbed into his bed, too tired to even consider getting undressed. The sheets felt cold around him so he pulled them up to his neck as he willed for all of thoughts surrounding that evening to disappear.

Harry was just on the edge of consciousness when he felt the covers lift and a slender frame slip in beside him. He remained still, pretending to be asleep but acutely aware of what this could mean, of what Nikki could be communicating. He was afraid, he had allowed her so close this evening and now she would be looking to him for her happiness but he knew he would fail at providing it. Nikki's words from earlier echoed in his head: _You're not who you think you are Harry_. How could she trust him, have so much hope? Such blind hope. Didn't she realise he'd end up letting her down? But then she knew him better than anyone did, she'd seen him at his lowest points and she was still around. Maybe it'd be okay. He felt her hand sleepily brush his and his breath caught in his chest _please God_, he silently prayed with his last waking thought, _let it be okay._

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_**I think I acutally have two more chapters to come out of this, so you've got more to come. I hope you like this installment, It's my favorite chapter so far!**_


	10. Exhaling Deep

Harry was awoken gradually the warmth of sunlight hitting his face. For a moment he wondered why he could feel the metal of his belt digging into his skin but the memories soon came flooding back and he turned to see Nikki still sleeping by his side. He considered lying back down again to enjoy the moment but one look at his crumpled clothes changed his mind and he quietly got up, collected some fresh clothes and headed towards the shower.

As Harry dried himself off he tried to relax and think practically but the idea that Nikki was still in his house, even better in his bed, was so overwhelmingly good that he couldn't manage to keep the smile off his face. After getting dressed he went to make some coffee but instead found himself walking back into his room and sitting on top the covers looking at her. She began to stir and as she opened her eyes a faint smile worked its way across her face.

"Morning" he smiled

"Is it?" she replied, burying her face in his pillow, "What time is it?"

"Eight," Harry chuckled, quickly glancing at his clock. "You due in at nine?"

"No, not until 2 today. Leo was feeling particularly merciful after the late night call."

"How come he never lets me come in late?"

"Do you ever ask?" she teased

"Fair point."

Nikki rolled closer towards him.

"You smell nice" she murmured.

"Is that a compliment? I'll have to have you stay over more often if you're this charming in the morning," he suddenly felt awkward, "Not that –"

"It's ok," she laughed, looking up at him. She moved in closer still and Harry instinctively put his arm around her, suddenly feeling foolish that he had but as it would be even more noticeable if he were to remove it he left it there. Nikki didn't seem to mind though and contentedly closed her eyes.

"Thanks for last night," she began "I didn't mean to keep you up."

"It's nothing. Say no more." Harry replied, in his usual modest way as they relaxed into the quiet of the moment.

They had been lying there for a while when Harry realised that Nikki had placed her hand on his chest and was slowly beginning to trace it down across his stomach and lower still. Harry, using all the self-control he could muster, took a deep breath, reached over and gently took her hand, placing it in his own instead. Nikki looked up at him, a confused and hurt look flashing across her face. Harry became instantly tender:

"Nikki, it's not that I don't…of course not. Just that in the past things have always started with…moved so quickly to _that,_" he intertwined his fingers with hers, "but I don't want to mess this up, not with you, you're worth so much more than that." He looked at her searchingly, wondering how she would react but she smiled, understanding what he was trying to say. She pushed herself up, untangling herself from his cotton sheets and sat before him. Looking into his eyes she moved in, meeting his lips with a simple but lingering kiss that said it all. Harry smiled beneath her lips and moved his hand to tuck a stray stand of hair behind her ear, lost in the effortless peace of the moment. After what felt like no time at all she leaned back slowly but maintained eye contact as she stood up.

"I need to get some fresh clothes but I've got somewhere I'd like to take you if you want to come?"

"Of course." He grinned.

"Then I'll see you at mine at ten.." she replied with an air of calm as she turned her back and walked towards his door.

"Are you going to be ok getting back?" He enquired, concern edging his voice.

"I'll be fine." She whispered as she tiptoed out of his room.

The next sound Harry heard was the click of his door closing as he fell back against his pillows and exhaled a long, deep breath that seemed to come from a place inside of him that he hadn't been able to reach before.

This was it.

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**_Thank you so much for all your amazing reviews, I love reading them!! I think this is getting longer than I expected so there'll be a few more chapters to come and Leo will return! Let me know what you thought of this chapter, I guess it's turned out quite different to how a lot of SW stories go!_**


	11. The Space In His Chest

Nikki had decided to leave her car at Harry's and walk home, it was only twenty minutes and she was quite enjoying how the fresh air complimented her breezy mood. Nikki laughed to herself, she felt so different to when she usually absconded a man's house in the morning. Usually she'd feel a dead weight in her stomach, reflecting the guilt and shame she felt for giving herself too easily to someone who probably wouldn't call her again. She'd know all the time that sleeping with them didn't do her any favours, but she'd still do it. _It's having fun, just what single thirty-somethings should be doing_ she'd reason, never quite believing herself.

But today was different. Harry didn't have expectations of her. He seemed to accept her as she was, either that or he was too wound up in his own inadequacies to really think about how she should be behaving. He'd forgive himself in time she hoped. He'd have to, because right now he was making her feel the happiest she had in a long time and there was definitely nothing wrong about that.

Nikki let herself into her apartment and looked around, everything was as she'd left it the previous morning although everything had changed for her in the last twenty-four hours. She quickly showered and wrapped herself in a towel before wandering over to her wardrobe and staring inside. None of her outfits seemed to appeal to her this morning. Jeans? Too casual. Black trousers? Too much like work. Skirt? Too dressy. She flopped down on her bed and sighed. She was doubtful that Harry would really care what she wore anyway and if she did dress up it might be a bit too obvious, she didn't want to give the impression she was trying too hard. She looked again and decided on her favourite jeans and a black top although once she'd got dressed she did opt for a little more blusher than usual.

It wasn't long before Nikki heard Harry knock at her door. She hurried to let him in. He stood there in his usual coat and scarf but he had run a little gel through his hair.

"Hi." He mumbled as he took a couple steps in and looked around. Nikki smiled, he was so nervous and awkward. It was incredibly endearing.

"You all set then?" she asked.

"Yep," he nodded, "so, um where are you taking me?"

"Oh you're rubbish with surprises Cunningham!" Nikki giggled, then for explanation, "Just wait and see. Nowhere too exciting I'm afraid," she slipped on her jacket and put her phone and keys in the pocket. "Come on."

Harry waited for Nikki to lock up her apartment before continuing on. Once they had left the complex and were onto the street he hesitantly took her hand and, when she didn't attempt to take it back, he laced his fingers into hers, holding it tight. As they walked in contented quiet, passing hordes people on their way to work, he felt his chest expand with pride. He was walking through London with Nikki, his incredible new girlfriend, by his side. She was finally his and his alone and it had all been so simple. He had never been more proud. He looked at her, so beautiful but so fierce, so clever. His equal and match in every way. But as these thoughts danced inside his mind others tried to push their way to the forefront. There were still things he hadn't told her, about Africa mainly. He knew she would be so hurt once she knew but he would have to tell her. He couldn't lie to her anymore, she deserved better than that.

"This is it!" Nikki announced as they arrived at the gates of a leafy park.

"This is where you wanted to show me?" Harry enquired as they walked through.

"Yeah, I know it's not much but I like to come here. It gets me away from the bustle and problems of city life. It's so quiet here, so peaceful that when I go back I realise that my problems weren't nearly so big after all."

Harry took a step back and listened. Nikki was right, all the sounds of traffic and chatter were eclipsed by the rustle of leaves in the wind. Nikki lead him around a path and they sat on a small bench by a lake. He lifted his arm and she snuggled into him, sighing a happy sigh.

"Nikki, there's something I've got to tell you," Harry began.

"No you haven't." Nikki replied, closing her eyes.

"No, please. It's important that I tell you."

Nikki sat up and looked at him, reluctantly allowing him to continue.

"When we were in Africa, the girl, the one you mentioned the other day, her boyfriend had just died and she came to my room. She…she," he spoke quickly, rushing off each point. "Got undressed, she wanted to kiss me and I, I let her, I welcomed her. She stayed the night and worst of all I lied to Leo about it the next day." For a brief second Harry thought he saw Nikki's face flash with upset but it quickly changed to concern. "I bet you wish I hadn't told you now." He added.

She smiled slightly, "Sort of. Has Leo asked about it since?"

"No," Harry replied. "I just don't want to end up hurting you." He said finally.

"You won't. You've shown me already that you're different." She replied, taking his hand into hers.

"Why are you being so good about this?" He asked

"Because we all make mistakes Harry, all of us. It's okay."

"But even in saying that you're being so infuriatingly perfect!"

She laughed, "Well if that's the worst criticism you have of me then I've done well!"

"Yes, you have." He smiled.

"Why do I get the impression you're always trying to put me off you?" she teased. "Look," she bent down and picked up a stone from the floor by her feet, rubbing its smooth surface under her thumb. "What's past is past. I don't want you to drag up anything more," she threw the stone into the lake with a fair bit of force and paused as they heard it splash against the surface and sink. She turned to look at him:

"I don't care about anything else. All that matters to me is you and me, here, now. You know be better than anyone else, Harry and you've always been good in a crisis. I trust you –" Harry went to speak but she continued on nevertheless "-even if you don't trust yourself."

He looked at her, pensive for a moment and laughed, "God, I love you Nikki."

"And I love you too." She smiled, quietly.

Harry took a finger and titled her chin upwards before closing his eyes and kissing her with a deep kiss that made her head spin. With the culmination of many years of waiting behind them they ran their hands through each others hair, not caring that there could be anyone else around. After a while Nikki pulled away and giggled, "I feel too old for this!"

"Oh come on, you're still younger than me." Harry replied.

Nikki looked at him quizzically, "You didn't make a joke out of that!"

"You're right," he smiled, "I didn't. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm dying for a coffee."

"Sounds perfect." She replied and they got up and hand in hand began to walk out of the park. Harry felt remarkably freer, there was space in his chest where all the weight he'd carried around for years used to be. Now that he had her he was going to fight with everything he had to make it work, he would treat Nikki like an absolute princess. Just like she deserved. There was no way that he would ever willingly let her go again, he was sure of that. He kissed Nikki's forehead and she moved her arm around his waist as they slowly walked out of the park and back into the rest of their lives.

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**_There we go! A little soppy, I know..I hope you liked it though :). There's still one more epilogue chapter to go as there's a little twist to come (it doesn't involve Nikki being pregnant, so keep guessing!) but then that'll be it. I decided not to include any s13 elements in this, I thought about it but then I would have got to the stage where I'd have done everything I wanted to with the characters so I wouldn't have any more stories to write! As, ever thank you for your kind comments. Please review this one! _**


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